Burning Man Journal

What follows are excerpts from a journal a kept during my first trip to burning man in the summer of 2008.

AND SO IT BEGINS

Aug 24 2008 –

At the gate. A little trouble at security – I don’t think I wass rough enough to set off any mental alarms though. It’s been so long since I wrote anything by hand. Feels like a timed essay, some analysis of industrial revolution politics, or the plight of 12 year olds wasting away in mine shafts. The paper clops on my boots already have failed – back to gripping the bony metal zipper by hand. Everyone looks like someone, Reeves sits across from me with the boy friend watching the savages on a portable dvd player. Alan Alda is to my right fooling with the firs Discman I ever owned. Alan would have an iPhone – I wondering where I am going will everyone be a celebrity – or will no one? So often cultures of selflessness, ego-less-ness, are the most guilty of pride, jealousy, vanity. At least I’m honest.

Phoenix to ~~Tahoe~~ Reno – Somehow misjudged times my dyslexia switched a digit. Scot won’t be getting to Reno for 36 hours after I get in (not 8 hours as expected). I’m spending 2 nights at the airport hotel. Hopefully they’ll have in room movies or a pool. I’m not sure how the biggest little city in Nevada will compare to Schenectady – probably no managers happy hour with complimentary baked ziti and grits.

Saw a guy wearing a tee shirt that read: “No one cares what you did on the playa”

Not sure what it means, but it seems a funny slogan for a burner. I hope it means that it’s about the experience not the stories, but the idea of someone being anti burning man is amusing. I’m not what it means when a thing develops a counter movement.

Heat lightening out the window. Like a monochrome Ansel Adams snap shot, contrasty and potent. Distant though, no source of fear. I am in a Faraday cage.

Reno for breakfast – fun trying to spot burners – not sure if there is an official greeting, or if there is an a point when 50,000 people are going. All the people in the hotel could be attending for all I know. Should be able to remeeet Caddy tonight, it will be nice to break the ice pre-playa, meet some of her friends.

Sarah says by phone: “Don’t do Peyote”

I should have done some better drug research.

Downtown Reno 5ish

Quiet town, all the life seems to be casino bound – people are friendly though. Makes me think Philly isn’t as nice as I feel – maybe it’s just the east coast west coast thing, who knows. Why did I dip stick this pen in wax.

It’s good to be drawing again.

Rough ridding, single glove wearing, tanned pant saggin’ Mexican drifters.

Afterthough: Caddy, Josia, Dan stay w/ me in Reno for one night. Got drunk with Caddy, reminisced.

Writing inside the camper while moving is not so great idea.

Just got back from 100 ft up. Feeling better but still hesitant.
Alcohol helps – first night OK.
Too much to sketch.

First real morning, climbed the ladder again. Fear reduced by ½ - my guess is this progression will continue until there is no fear left.

I’ve forgotten perspective.

Thursday Morning

I’m not sure what it was last night, but (maybe it was the mushroom stalk?) but something has changed. I’m so much more comfortable now – Mischawakah – maybe I was tripping last night (probably not) but just the placebo effect (energy/relaxation) made last night wonderful. The camps along the esplanade are so colorful, and bright. It looks like a straight skyline of some scifi city – stretching on forever in both directions.

Indescribable.

So glad Caddy’s friends seem to like me. There is such a vibe here of acceptance – but there is a clear difference in superficial warmth and genuine interest in a person.

Yesterday’s Path (things I remember doing)
-Sang ‘Ring of Fire’ on top of mobile pirate ship art car
-Saw a hot gymnast tied up and spanked by first mate
-Great funk band – lots of brass
-Walked around barefoot :(
-Shot with green lasers
-Oiled my boots / showered
-Walked across playa at sunset. Felt like Muad'Dib
-Completely blown away
-Techno Techno Techno
-I slept though the tea-bagging party

Another good night, another 2 stalks.
You’ve got to fight, for your right, to parrrty…
At the dome, DJ says:

“Not to be a pretentious asshole, but I want to say a few words (music off). Being out here in the desert partying is not a right. It is a privilege afforded to the few. This place is an escape from the problems of the real work – that’s ok, but outside this state of bliss, there are more important things you need to fight for than your right to party…”

This experience is basically an exercise in hedonism. I think that’s why it reminds me a second life. That’s maybe why people feel that both this and second life arre utopias of sorts. Overall it reminds me of a real life metaverse. Whatever people can dream they have permission to make. Is this a utiopia? Are utopias sustainable?

Sexy drugs magick booze sex drugs…

Today I ate Annie’s w/ Turkey Pep
I was once full, empty, full, empty, full

Dan and I have a odd amount in common – almost as though we were the same code running different functions – Interesting to think that if Caddy and I had pursued whatever minor mutual interest there was back then, I wouldn’t be here – she wouldn’t either – or be with Dan or her great friends. I’m very happy for them, for Caddy in particular. I’m glad someone like me fulfilled my savior complex. I’m going to give Dan my copy of the Tao. It helped me through periods of transition and he’s certainly in/entering one. What a crazy life to lead. I bet we’re both a little jealous of each other. Truth is we both have a beautiful thing(s) going, I can’t wait to see you.

Utopia if and only if limited duration? (slope)?

Burning Man to me seems like a perfect expression of unfiltered human spirit/condition. People without judgment, giving freely between each other, attention, the BIGGEST commodity here is attention – to individuals, to art, to eyes, to breasts -> Attention to details. So much of the real world system only rewards us with this sort of lavish love when we excel in the societies metric for success. Here there is no metric for success except yourself. Man, shrooms make you wise. Time for a rest – more on this subject later.

Morning.

Dust to dust to dust to dust. Numb to myself I wandered the desert last night looking for silence. I failed in finding a truly peaceful spot the ~~pumping~~ throbbing 125 bpm proliferates the entire desert. I wonder whether they can hear us in Gerlock. I’m exhaling dust. It runs from my face in a muddy brine. I don’t know how far I walked, but it felt like forever. It’s storming now, can’t go out. I’m ready to come home.

Some more thoughts on the rave vs. conscious evolution. In an ‘ideal’ world we’d all be happy, open, generous, beautiful, calm, focused, and free. Many people here embody that attitude – that is how I feel when I am out on the playa at night. I realize drugs can help people achieve a state closer to this ideal – though only to an extent. In moderation perhaps one’s eyes can be coaxed open, but the other side of that is the wide-eyed – jacked out expressions I see in the faces of the ravers. I know they are having fun, but are the self aware enough to feel happiness? There is a difference between fun and fulfillment.

It stopped in my path, but it wasn’t stopping for me.

For me this place is about jacking in. I’m not sure how, but the drugs have helped without a doubt, though it may have been the ritual as placebo for my initiation into this culture that did the trick. I don’t feel like a virgin and people are surprised when I tell them. When I am out there I feel like I get it now. Tonight will be the experiment [How Important is the Drug?] My hope is that now that I’ve reached this state I won’t need anything to help my jack in. If the vibe is right it happens naturally, and self propogates through the masses.

The Darkness is Forgiving

What is Pain? Dust in eyes, cracked feet dirty hands, tired muscles, sores filled with sand, chaffing dry mouth, black mucus.

Our body is a vehicle, but its state, or more our awareness of its state dictates the potential of our minds. I understand why monks sit all day most likely in some discomfort and pain – the ability to forgo the body’s needs and impulses is the ultimate state of focus – adrenaline, endorphins, our brain is capable of overlooking our pain. Why do I hurt so much more in the day?

Thought: The mushrooms (or placebo effect) dull my sense of pain – my sense of the body, give me energy and focus. Because of this I put my body through more than I normally would (less sleep, more walking on blistered feet) – When I wake up in the morning I feel all I have done to my physical vehicle. ~~It’s almost~~ I wonder if monks feel pain upon waking. It’s so hard to be focused when tired.

Obviously.

Herzog would be proud of me. I am having experiences =>

Dust Storm

Looks like the man will burn in the dust – planning on braving the storm, sober, hopefully I’ll be able to see the fire.

Wonder how the other camp is doing, Dan, his van, etc. I’ll head over in a bit. A little sad Dan didn’t take the Tao. Wonder if he forgot to look.

First – it can not be described. I realize now how this place, Burning Man, is designed for acid trips.

For the first hour or so I was aware of my surroundings etc. At some point I transfixed on the thought loop that all reality was some sort of looping casual cascade. I focused on the present and let thoughts of loss/death flow through me.

“It was the end of whatever it was the end of”

1) Man Burns
2) Hallucinations begin
4) Streams of Pattern Recognition
5) Massive Throbbing Dome
6) Flame Duck (Thought I was on fire)
7) Fence of fire
8) Approaching Center Camp
9) Sitting at center camp (It’s going to get worse before it gets better)
10) Singularity, time flux
11) Blackness walking
12) Complete Surrender
13) Visual Clarity Returns
14) Paupizons and Pretzels
15) Now

Fixations: Death, loss of autonomous bodily functions

OK – back from taking massive dump, feeling better, needed to eradicate.

At Some Point

I know I was tring to ‘get it’ – understand the interconnectedness of each thought/action.

Perceived that I had died/transcended space-time in an infinite vortex of kaleidoscopic fractals. Mostly RGB.

Feeling as though whatever thought I focused on would manifest itself in increasingly rapid dependent cycles.

Feeling I could break the trip by understanding it – vs some sort of punishment / death.

I am told LSD is supposed to help surface one’s fears – ironically my fear seemed to be the drug itself – the fear that somehow I had opened a pandora’s box the depths of which I would not ever return from. The fear of all existence being a never ending acid loop – when I began to believe this was the case, that I had in fact ‘died’ in part – the next step was to find peace in my new state – this I believe I was able to do by focusing soley on the present and meditating. I saw the physical and energetic elements of the world around me break apart, or more specifically converge, vortex like, into a singularity. At this point my vision was not a hallucination of reality – but a waking dream state. I left my body completely for a time. It was the most intense experience of my life thus far.

Back at Scots in L.A. Finished cleaning. Feels great to be out of the dust.

Last night was especially bad. I only stayed to watch the temple ignight, then rode off on my bike – the warm flames lapping at my back. The scene was not nearly as calming as I had hoped – the music continued to thump and friends called out each other’s names searching incessantly.

Driving out of the desert through the storm felt perfect, like I was crossing between dimensions returning home from a magical realm.

I like to think of my Burning Man experience as a hero’s journey unto itself, complete with all J Campbell’s components. I’m still not entirely sure what I brought back with me – but I know things have changed/transformed.

On Time: The moment of time stopping is still fresh in my memory, even some 48 hours later. I am certain now time is a framework of the mind, the apparent passage of which is simply a tool of our contemporary lives. At the start of my trip I was extremely focused on quantitative measurements – how long? (time) how far? (distance), how many (people around also tripping?). My curiosity here surely came from my like of ability to estimate these quantities. We are organic, in build and thought. Our ability to think quantitatively is a byproduct of a quantified existence we have built. At Burning Man there is no time. The experience there independent of drug use drives individuals towards the moment and away from quantitative ability. LSD does the same, or at least it did the same to me.

Did I experience ego death? Perhaps yes. I remember surrendering to the idea that my experience of reality would never return to normal, and that “I” along with my entire life (lover, family, work, identity) had in a way ceased to exist. For this reason I was saddened by my sudden enlightenment. I realized I love myself and my life, and the idea of losing it, even in trade for infinite bliss was melancholy. Interestingly, my interpretation at the time was that my entire exsistence thus far had been a sort of illusion, a dream, and in waking from it I was some how liberated. Through just as when waking from a happy dream I was sad to leave it for the real. It gave me some comfort to think that no harm could come to the people / things I love because it turned out none of it was real. What a door to kick open.

Later

Santa Monica, 3:43, September 2nd

It’s amusing to think I had what to many will seem like the quintessential Burning Man experience. I guess in some ways I did. What makes me happy is that my experience feels unique to me, and the result of my identity mixing with the desert. I doubt so many people are as lucky as me.

Surprisingly comforting returning to the moden world, modern times. At least the election is looking good. I’m clearly under stimulated here- I liked that Black Rock City was in many ways a place a few words – a realm of sight, sound, and emotion. It seems silly but I really miss just sitting under the tent.

I miss Caddy and company, I will definitely make it out west to visit them. Beautiful times.